Sadness

I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad in my whole life. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I’m shaky. Even Suzy Shrink is sad, even she, the queen of no emotions, can’t hide it.

 

Every day when I get dressed, I keep reaching for black. I just don’t want any color in my life – everything is black everywhere. I take the black car; I choose black sunglasses because I have black circles under my eyes.

 

How is it even possible that going to a wedding could cause such grief and anguish? The guys that jumped into the pool all want to kill themselves because this all happened from acting stupid. And, sometimes I want to kill them! WHY did it have to be Alex and not one of them? Deep in my heart I know how mean that is but I just can’t help it. The six of them have known each other since about the 6th grade and still act like that at times. When we got married, it was like I married ALL of them, a package deal.

 

I am sick of people around me, I just want to be alone with Alex right now. Instead I have to make small talk with all these people I barely know and the close friends are just lost for words, which makes me feel even worse. The staff has been really nice about all the visitors but I see that it gets disruptive at times even though only two at a time are allowed. I’d rather talk to strangers than people I know; I don’t know why, maybe it’s safer? Safe? From what? From the truth?

 

I sit for hours in this room just taking it all in. Thank God for iPADS because there are times that I feel it’s the only contact I have with the outside world. Hum, don’t want to deal with the “real” people, just the “imaginary” ones and even they seem to have disappeared.

 

My beautiful, handsome, witty and clever Alex, where have you gone? Will you be coming back? When?

 

I just realized that tomorrow is another weekend – it’s been 3 weeks and it seems like a lifetime. Each day just blending into the next, I stare into the vast space and wish I had a crystal ball. All this money, this charmed life I’ve been privileged to lead, yet, I feel like have nothing right now.

 

I’m only writing this out of complete and utter boredom; sorry Suzie, I am not finding documenting my thoughts to be cathartic in any way at all.

 

 

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Pouf!

How can a dip in the pool become such a horrific thing? Alex is still in the hospital, not doing so well. I am starting to get worried, really worried, like really worried. I was sitting and thinking about life……… one minute all is happy & gay, the next minute it can all be taken away from you. Just like that. Poof.

Hospitals are funny places, in my 38 years they have gone from being stark & sterile to plush museums with granite floors. And there is a certain “addiction” to them; once you have learned the lay of the land, you take over the place and walk the corridors as if you own them. I go twice a day, my routine is to stop at the Starbuck’s in the lobby, grab my latte and head with purpose to the 4th floor. Some of the staff has become very familiar and go out of their way to greet me. Sometimes I see things in their faces that scare me: compassion, sorrow, pity and I can “see” them thinking their thoughts.

For now, and maybe forever, IVF is on the back burner. Maybe I am not meant to have a child and I will have to accept that. If Alex should get to come home, maybe he will be my child? I have to keep remembering that things happen for a reason and, although at the time it may seem cruel, later I may be able to look back and see the “why” in all of this.

For now, this is my purpose. I need to pull myself together and be the strong woman I always was and deal with life. Maybe this is the kick in the ass I needed?

Get on it!

I have a serious lack of motivation lately.  It used to be that the more I had to do, the more I got done!  Now, not so much.  I have become really, really good about “tomorrow” and it’s seriously becoming a problem.

I’m putting off the smallest things because they just don’t seem to interest me and then I have to run around like a banshee at the end of the day because some things just HAVE to get done.  I make lists.  I ignore them.  The next day I add more to the list and ignore that too.  My lists are a mile long.

I just have this lack of interest, I just want to get lost in my thoughts and drift off ………..

Alas, I have to figure out how to re-join the human race.  I have no Mo-Jo.  Where have I gone?

I’ve been trying to pin point when this happened, did it come on slowly, or overnight?  I feel people are starting to notice and even talk about me; haven’t figured out if I care or not.

Changing the subject now.  All I can think of to yap about is my new sorbet flavor: Pear Brandy!  WHY am I thinking of sorbet at 9:30 AM?  Because my coffee has become cold?  And, speaking of coffee, I need to buy find a new kind, this tastes like mud.  Murky mud.  And I wish I had a dozen donuts to go with it!

Don’t drink & swim

Went to an over-the-top wedding Saturday, really over-the-top.  It was a who’s who attendance list and people wanted to be seen.  With pomp comes liquor; it’s a given.  As the night progressed it was getting sloppier & sloppier, maybe if I could have joined in I wouldn’t have noticed how revolting it looked; I felt like I was on the outside looking in.  Alex was having a good time, a really good time and I tried not to nag, he’s been working so hard lately and I thought he could do with blowing off some steam.  He was talking to a group of “good ole boys” by the pool and one decided to jump in, fully clad in tuxedo.  This, of course, led to others and then, Alex.

When Alex jumped, he hit something and couldn’t move!  Thank God I was watching and saw this because he could have easily drowned. It all became surreal as the guys were screwing around and hadn’t noticed what happened.  A call to 9-1-1, an ambulance, to the hospital, MRI’s & other tests revealed a spinal fracture.  He’s still in the hospital and hopefully will get out next week but then there will be bed rest.  He will be so pissed because he’s got some really big stuff going on and will have to hand it off to someone else.

The only good I can deem from this is that I had a “legal” excuse not to go to a damn baby shower on Sunday, I was dreading that.  Be careful what you wish for, huh?

We’ve made a BIG decision.  IF I don’t get pregnant this time, we are going to pursue adoption.  God, we’ll probably have to go to Russia because I don’t want to have to wait years!

Faking It

When I was eleven, my Dad was offered a really good position in another state. The house was put up for sale and life became a whirlwind. My mother was consumed with this, that, & the other and I was invisible.

I was to enter Junior High school that September and we were moving at the end of October, so I’d only be attending for six or so weeks before we left.  I thought this was stupid.

The leap from elementary school to junior high was a huge one for me, it was further away, different friends, environment & subjects.  I remember a French teacher named Miss. Crick that really scared me, her hand had been replaced with a metal hook that she used to turn the pages of her book. Then there was gym class, I hated this the most and there was a pool & I’m afraid of water. I hated all this change, hated it.  Even my school uniform had changed and we were required to wear gray underwear!  Seriously!

My mind started to work overtime; I would lie in bed and try to think of ways to get out of going to school. Whatever I schemed; it would have to be good. Then, it came to me! I would get sick, like really sick, but what kind of sick……..I would throw up! Yes! I would vomit after I ate and keep vomiting so I wouldn’t have to go to school. It was a plan.

Looking back, I must have taken lessons from mother dearest actress because I really pulled this one off. All I had to really do was go into my bathroom, make gross gagging noises, flush the toilet and stagger back to bed.

It was unbelievable because even she fell for this and would come periodically to see how I was doing and ask if there was anything I wanted to eat, bring me ice cream, which I would pretend to throw up too.

All was going really well. Two weeks and no school and I just lay in bed reading and eating all kinds of good stuff. Then, shit! Shit! Shit! The doctor! They called in the doctor for a house call and after a few days they put me in the damn hospital!

Being the young, budding actress that I was, I fooled them too! Amazing that they didn’t have to “see” vomit to believe it; I guess my sounds were good enough. I was in hospital for a little over a week and then “rest” at home and then, it was time for the big move and I never did go back to that junior high school.

To this day, my mother has no idea I faked it. She has often referred to the incident as being “so stressful” for her because she had so much to deal with at that time, she didn’t “need” the added anxiety of me being sick. Some days, I want to tell her the truth just to see the look on her face.

Secret Window

When I was a teenager, my parents had lots of parties. They regularly hosted Champagne breakfasts that later in the day morphed into a pool party. The breakfasts would have Eggs Benedict, piles of bacon & sausage, an omelet station, fresh fruits, and baked goods – you name it. The Champagne would be flowing and, of course, there were Mimosa’s. Everyone got smashed and many stayed all day, ending up in the pool so stinking drunk that it’s amazing nobody drowned.

I used to stay in my room most of the time, listening to music & keeping out of the way; I would never have friends over on these Sundays. My bedroom was like my own little apartment, set way down the hallway from all the others with my own bathroom. It was probably a maid’s quarters at one time. I had hundreds of dolls, beautiful dolls. Dolls that sat around tables drinking tea, porcelain dolls, baby dolls, lots of dolls. The dolls were my friends, they never told, and they knew it all.

One particular Sunday it seemed extra noisy so I peeked out of the window, this was the first real glimpse I got of the reality of my life.

I was horrified at what I saw – my mother skinny-dipping, frolicking in the pool, and lapping up all the male attention. Her head was thrown back and she was laughing and she looked odd, like she was possessed.

Ewww!  Where was my father ……. Ah, yes, there he is, I see him now, pissed out of his head and oblivious to the naked wife with her head thrown back, laughing like a hyena.

As I spied from the secret window, I saw her slither out of the pool and into the bushes where “Mr. Riley” was waiting for her! Mrs. Riley was off visiting family in Ireland and he came stag. I wasn’t stupid, I know he was screwing her, or, was she screwing him?

Later that night she was so giddy and light and in an unusually good mood. As I got older, I would see that mood again and again and knew what it meant …….. And my dad just drank more & more.

Kleenex, Pop Tarts & Ice Cream

I have the worst cold / flu ever. If I’d known I was going to use this much Kleenex, I would have bought stock in Kimberly-Clark because I know I have impacted their sales! Where does all this stuff come from? Do you have a little reservoir that, when finally full, spills over?   Ugh, gagging just thinking of it.

Speaking of gagging, this nasty virus comes the taste thing. I feel like I have to constantly have something in my mouth to disguise that taste! It’s foul. My latest invention is Pop Tart ice cream sandwiches! Why have I never thought of this before!!! Especially good if the Pop Tarts are warm and have the sprinkle-y icing on them = the bomb.  My other latest love is Neapolitan ice cream, it’s just perfect in every way.  I love to slice it and lay it on a plate and eat it slowly, first a piece of chocolate, then vanilla and strawberry last.  Rinse, lather, repeat.  Yum.

Somehow when Suzy Shrink told me to write, I don’t think this is what she had in mind but it’s how I feel TODAY and, as it’s a Suzy Tuesday I can regurgitate in her office.

Shrink Wrap

Went to see Suzy Shrink yesterday. She is happy that I am writing and is convinced that it will get my thoughts more organized. Now, I wonder if this is for her benefit more than mine? I admit that I can be all over the place but shouldn’t she be able to sort through my shit?

Suzy amuses me. She doesn’t give me much eye contact but, now and then, when I say something shocking, she will glance up at me over her glasses. This makes me want to poke her baggy eyes out! I am still trying to figure out of she’s Miss. Priss or if she’s never had anyone quite like me? Sometimes I think I intimidate her, no, scratch that, I know I do.

She’s always trying to offer up meds, I think she just wants to calm me down and make me into a zombie so she can nap during these sessions! No chance sistah, no chance. I mean, I get that meds are very helpful for some people but they scare me, really scare me. Funny……… I am  scared of not being in control? But I’m NOT in control!

She looked like shit, allergies she claimed ……… really Suzy? Why not sit back and tell me all about it? How is your marriage?   How is your family? Are your parents still judging you?   Do you ever have to force yourself to get out of bed in the morning? Wonder who this woman is in her real life? Wonder Woman? Bet not. Even the “Suzy’s” of the world are fucked up, just like the rest of us.

Oh, and one more thing Suzy doctor to the rich & famous, you are slacking. I saw an envelope, recognized the name on it, should I have seen this? Confidentiality and all that crap, I hope you aren’t so careless with my secret & secrets!! Oh, the tabloids would be a’fire!

On the way back, stopped at the gelato shop and bought all of the pistachio and asked them to order in more – like now, damn it!

Frogs & Snails

I so desperately want a child, specifically, a little boy. I guess at this point I’d take anything but if I could choose, it would have to be a boy. Girls are way too fussy & prissy and I envisage having to change their clothes multiple times a day, it would be a lot of work. I mean, if you had a little girl, you’d want her in the prettiest of dresses and looking like a china doll, right? It’s all I can do to get myself ready; I’d never get out of the house.

I want to change a boys diaper & have him pee into the air; it would make me giggle.

Boys look adorable dirty! Don’t they? Their toys seem like more fun than girl’s toys …… ohhhh, those cool cars that they can actually get in and drive, FUN! Boys are naughty and sneaky and go off collecting bugs and down to a stream to play with tadpoles.   A girl I would worry about and be yet another reason not to sleep.

Ahh, sleep, where did you go? I feel like I’m constantly tired yet I can’t sleep. I must be catching catnaps somewhere but it’s not restful and it’s wearing me down. Keep thinking I should do something to tire me out, but I’m too tired.

Raging Hormones

I’m all over the place.  I’m even getting on my own nerves.  Feeling like I’m having this strange out-of-body experience or I’ve been overtaken by aliens.  Is this the IVF or, some kind of depression?

I ate the whole damn container of pistachio gelato yesterday – before noon.  The Jayne I know doesn’t do this, well, at least not before noon! Invasion of the body snatchers?

My current therapist has been encouraging me to write my feelings / my life / my thoughts, she seems to think it will be cathartic for me.  Wondering if she assumes  I can write just because of who I am?  But then, who am I?

She suggested Blogging.  Not normal Blogging but “secret” Blogging – WTF?  She says that it will be a nice, tidy place to store these thoughts, it will archive them, it will categorize them, it will be a secret box that only I have the key to. It reminds me of the theme song to “Weeds” ……….🎶♬🎶

Little boxes on the hillside, Little boxes made of tickytacky
Little boxes on the hillside, little boxes all the same
There’s a green one and a pink one and a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky tacky and they all look just the same………
 

She understands why nobody I know can read my secrets but convinces me it would be virtually impossible for anyone to find this secret little space unless I told them – which, I wouldn’t now, would I? Well, I guess I sort of told one person but then, not really.  I was skipping around and found a Blog that caught my attention and she claimed that nobody reads her stuff anyway,  that made me feel sad.  I made a comment and then she made a comment and now I feel like she is kind of like a “secret” secret sister.  Now I am laughing!  Don’t think there has ever been a time in my life where I just had an audience of “one” I may learn to like this quiet little space. I think I’ll be okay not clicking the “private” button – seriously, there are a million and ten Blogs out there and this, this is nothing.

I got up early for a Saturday morning.  Slept okayish.  Alex was already gone, off to the the golf course.  How can you putz around on grass all day, and I mean ALL day in this humidity?  But maybe he’s not golfing after all? I’ll tackle that another day……..(sigh)